She Told Me I Was Beautiful

She told me I was beautiful. I don’t know why it made such an impression on me, why her words seemed to carry so much clout. All I know is she made me think differently about myself. Let’s face it: I wasn’t a very pretty teenage girl. I had frizzy hair, struggled with my weight, had braces; and every night, I seemed to grow a few new bumps in the most noticeable places on my face. There were even times when I was certain that Mount Everest was forming on the tip of my nose. I layered on the plain, dark clothing in an attempt to hide the curves and extra padding. Depending on the crowd I was around, I could be completely silent and go virtually unnoticed, or I could let my voice be heard and leave no one with a question that Veronica was in the room. I didn’t dislike myself, but I didn’t really like myself either. To tell the truth, I didn’t even know who I was and found myself living in a world of fantasy whenever I could find a quiet place to escape. I didn’t put much value in compliments that were directed towards me, so I find it a bit curious why her words penetrated my thick, outer shell that I had worked so hard to assemble. Nevertheless, that day, as I was using the copy machine, her words disrupted my plain-Jane world and made me wonder how anyone could see “beauty” in me.

I wish I could tell you that it was that very moment in my teenage life when I immediately understood my worth and discovered that my life had value, that I never struggled with self esteem issues again; but I am a woman, and I still have bouts and battles with the self esteem: I still have days when I feel oh-so-far from the “beautiful” that others may see. What I can tell you is that her words spoke life to my spirit. It was as if a brilliant flash of light interrupted the dark thoughts that I had thought of myself for so long, and with that flash, something stirred me, something changed me, if only just a flicker, a new perspective was erupting.  And it all started with three simple words. "You are beautiful."

But the truth is, I am not. I am not beautiful. In fact, I am ugly. Or at least, I can be. I see myself in the mirror, but it's not the image in the mirror that convinces me of the ugly. My ugly runs much deeper than my outer appearance. It hides in the inner most places of my heart and reveals itself when my world gets busy and stressed, when life gets chaotic, and sometimes it even shows itself when I don't get my own way. I hear myself say ugly, mean-spirited words, words that drip with sarcasm and pierce the heart of my offender. Ugly brings with it shame. And somewhere deep inside, I hear the cry of beauty desperately wanting to burst forth. I quiet it. I smother it. I forgo the apology, restrain the tears of sorrow, and get comfortable with shame. Because honestly, it is much easier to just be ugly. It comes naturally for me.

Then again, sometimes, I am beautiful. Twenty-seven years after she spoke those three simple words to me, I am still discovering "Beauty" in me. It doesn't always show up in the mirror, certainly not when my hair needs cut, my roots need color, my brows need tweezed, and my brown spots need concealer. Beauty, like ugly, resides in my heart. I hear it in my laughter, see it in my smile, taste it in my sweetly spoken words, and feel it in my quiet moments communing with my Father. If I am completely honest, Beauty, the only true Beauty in me, isn't me at all. I guess I could  say I am not a "natural beauty," because in me, the only Beauty that exists is super-natural. It's when I allow the Beautiful One to work in and through me. When I crucify my ugly flesh, and allow Beauty to have His perfect way.

I am a work in progress, still learning to conquer old habits and tame my tongue, learning to die to myself and let Him perfect His work in me. I'm thankful that He took on the responsibility of completing this work, because I know I am a real piece of work. But someday, the ugly will all be gone. In its place will be Beauty. True Beauty. It is then that He will step back and look at this piece of work and say, "What a beautiful masterpiece!"