Death by Sprained Ankle

A few days ago, I stepped off the porch at work and twisted my ankle. Anyone who has spent any real time with me will know this is nothing out of the ordinary, but any time a girl of my age and size takes a fall, there could be some serious injury. I have put off going to the doctor until our shift ends (which is today at noon), but yesterday the swelling, bruising and pain was almost unbearable...... then late in the evening, along the top of my foot it started turning pink and felt feverish. My darling husband who had mentioned gangrene setting in several times decided this would be the perfect time to restate his suspicions and mention amputation again. So in the middle of the night, when I awakened feeling feverish with chills, I began to fear the worst. Then, I thought maybe I wasn't feverish, that my imagination was just running wild, but the pain seemed to be terrible and the swelling felt worse, so then I lay there, wondering if I had a blood clot and this would be my last night to live... I was almost positive I felt the clot travel to my lungs, so I took one long breath, prayed a "forgive me" followed by a "thanksgiving" prayer, and waited to stop breathing. When it didn't seem to cause my breathing to stop, I felt the clot travel to my heart and experienced this intense burning and pain in my chest. Again, I waited for my departure from this world. The pain in my chest subsided, and I was confident I heard a gurgling sound and felt the clot moving through my body toward my brain. When I felt a tingly feeling in my brain, I moved my hands and feet to make sure I was still alive and even smiled and felt to make sure both sides of my face worked. Alas, my face was smiling, and I realized how my fears had robbed me of an hour and forty-seven minutes of rest. Then I thought about the man snoring next to me who planted that first fearful thought into my head, knowing that I have an imagination that is endless, and I thought about how I restrained myself from disturbing his slumber because he has had so little rest this week. It is then that I realized how terribly selfless I am and how I deserve to be pampered during this "could be deadly" injury. I will be milking this injury as long as I can.

"good enough" < Good

Tragic. Somehow you got the impression that Christianity is a standard of rules and guidelines, a never ending journey of pointless effort to be “good enough.” Tragic, if it is true that your conception of the Christian’s life is days filled with miserable attempts at gaining His favor through good deeds and sin-free living. Tragic. If that’s what you see when you look at me, really look at me, I’ve failed and that is tragic. Because all I have ever wanted you to see in me is my humanity and His mercy, His grace, and His unconditional love. Through my imperfections, I wanted you to see His perfection. In my weaknesses, I wanted you to see His unyielding strength. I wanted you to see that the only righteousness that dwells in me is in and through Him and Him alone. I wanted you to see that His sacrifice, that what He did for me didn’t make me free to sin but set me free from sin, as well as the condemnation, the guilt, the destruction and death that comes through it. I wanted you to see that His love for me and mine for Him is what beckons me onward and upward, that nothing in this life is more fulfilling and more precious than having an intimate relationship with Him. I wanted you to see that nothing this world has to offer compares to what He offered at the cross… restored relationship. I wanted you to see that the life that I live isn’t my attempt to be “good enough,” but that He accepted me just as I was, in and with all of my imperfections, and that my life is His continual work in progress to show others just how truly amazing His grace, His mercy, and His unconditional love is.

Tragic. That’s the one word that kept running through my mind as I read your words. Tragic – because I failed you. We, “the church,” failed you. And my heart aches for our failure and your pain, for the misconception of the reality of the Gospel. The truth is that He loves you. He loves you in and with all of your imperfections. He doesn’t want you to measure up to His standard or the church’s standard of “good enough.” He wants you just as you are. He doesn’t expect you to “be good.” You see, He simply wants to take your brokenness and be the Good in you.  

HOPE – because in Kingdom living, when tragedy strikes, there is always HOPE. You can walk away if that’s what you want to do, but I am not done with you. Your name will continually be uttered in my heart and from my lips as I commune with My Father. Oh, and He will pursue you. He will romance you. He will love you, even when you show yourself to be completely unlovable. And my HOPE is that in the tragic, you discover Good, authentic Good… that relationship is birthed where religion dies.